Sunday, May 09, 2004

Subject: this may not make sense.. but when do I ever

Dear Emily,

I just finished watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). Love it!!! It makes me remember all my romantic idea’s. Like someday opening my email box and finding an email with some “robust” young man declaring his admiration and secret longing for me. And then I run to him and we embrace and it’s so romantic and he whisks me off to my dazzling future. : ) Then I am reminded of my simple dream to have a close friend and I slowly fall in love and walk through over the pond together and be so content to love the simplicity of our reality. But then again who ever said Love was a simple thing. After all it’s a miracle anyone ever ends up together I always say. But I think more people are looking for love than I am inclined to accept—after all I would be one of them. And there is nothing I like more than to think my situation is different than everybody else’s and some how I have been slighted in that area more than the next person. But to each his own-- one persons dream is another’s nightmare.

I think that is one reason why I like being home so much. I don’t have the time or resources to spend time idling dreaming of some secret romance; I am too caught up in the day and my future. At school I am surrounded by young males, and people experiencing love, not to mention my studies which I am forever trying to find an excuse to ignore. And it seems I spend a lot of my time trying to hide the confident and determined me because I fear I scare people, especially males, away.

There seems to be a daunting picture in my mind of the perfect women: kind, sweet, compassionate, graceful, mellow, in control, supporting, quite, well rounded, clean etc. etc. that I seem to rival with all my blunt, haphazard, emotional ways of doing things. I know logically, some of the time that someone has to find that remotely attractive, but my heart says no and my mind turns negative. And once again I run straight towards all my inadequacies, which I spend most of my time running around and at the same forcing my self to run faster to make up for the time it takes to run around them. And there I go down that straight checklist and timed path that I have determined life must be.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder in horror at the impossible journey I have set before my self. I wonder where I ever got the idea in the first place because some part of me knows it’s wrong. The momentum I seem to have gathered after all these year is scary though, I couldn’t break the pattern I had already set. Fear that it would send me hurling into space only to crash when I reached the edge of the vacuum was reason enough to just keep running down the path and around my weaknesses. But what would you know someone put a spring in my path and it happened any way. The ironic part was, I was trying so hard to make it to the finish line in time, I never noticed I was already spinning past the stars. Never noticed till I came to the end and crashed into the side of the filmstrip and was paralyzed in the nothingness. Forced to stop and to reconsider my pace, my direction, my awareness. Hmmm I’ve gotten off subject.

The phone rings and I awake back where I started this letter. I race to the phone hoping it will be some Dashing gentleman wanting to take me on some romantic date on the beach with the waves crashing, and the submarines racing ; ) and I smile because I have managed to come back down to earth and find a new pace where hopefully I will allow myself to stop and smell the roses (or at least let Lula, my dog, pee on them).

Love you to pieces!!


PS how is that Spanish guy and how did the dates go? I am dying to know.

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